Back from Retreat

My first experience of a formal retreat was on my last year in college. It was a requirement for graduation. I was very hesitant then.

In my first four years in college (mine is a five-year course), I was very detached from my classmates. There were only three classmates I was able to relate to. I was different, and they, too, acknowledged that. My concerns and priorities were not the same with theirs.

While most of them, if not all, centered their college lives on their studies, I practically majored in extra-curricular activities. I believed that it was my responsibility to give more of myself to others. I did not understand their lack of interest and indifference to school activities. I thought that they, too, did not understand me. And for that reason, I did not want to be with them.

But things changed during and after the retreat. I let them inside of me and more importantly, I allowed myself to get inside them and understand them. And it was then that I realized that while I was running away from them, they were always around - behind me and supporting me. They were very proud of me and of what I was doing.

I am very thankful for that opportunity given to me to appreciate them and build a better relationship with them. They have all become my friends and are now a big part of my life.

I never thought that I would experience another formal (required) meaningful retreat in my life. But retreat per se is something that I always do. I have ran away from home several times as a child but I was always found. Maybe because I wanted to be found in the first place.

In college, when academic and extra-curricular pressures got so heavy, I always found ways to leave for a while and go to places where I couldn't be reached. My parents seemed to understand (or they never knew because I told them I was going somewhere else for a school-related activity).

At the end of every retreat, I always felt so much better (or more confused).

Even now, in a way, I am having a retreat. I work and live in a place where I originally knew no one. This is because I also wanted to be alone.

I just got back from my second formal retreat. NDMU administrators, faculty and support services personnel had their retreat last September 3-4. One friend, a fellow educator, asked if the activity was necessary - that maybe the two days (three, including the travel) on retreat could be spent better on teaching our students. I wasn't able to answer his question at the time because such was not my concern.

For the past weeks, I had been looking forward to the retreat because it would be my first time in more than three months to leave the confines of my region. I will also get the chance to see former classmates who are reviewing in Davao, the venue of the retreat. I could rest my voice and be alone for a while.

Our retreat master, Bro. Joe, is an American Marist priest who is now on his 11th year here in the Philippines. He spoke to us in mixed English, Filipino and Bisaya. My greatest dream is to work as a missionary in Africa; and meeting Bro. Joe was very inspiring. He is more than 6o years old yet he was able to learn the Filipino language and Visayan dialect. I know now that I, too, could learn foreign languages.

I intended to leave in the evening of the first day to see my friends but I changed my mind after Bro. Joe's talk. He said that we all came there to spend two days of the year to be away from all forms of noise - our problems and pains, workloads and other responsibilities, etc. We went there to listen to the yearnings of our hearts and deepen our relationship with God and with ourselves. I stayed and decided to live up to the purpose of our retreat.

On my moments alone, I realized that I am like an empty cup, always thirsting for those which I do not have and for what I am lacking. And many times, the temptation was so great, yet my soul was empty.

I took time to reflect on what are the more important things in life - what I must fill my cup with and what I must pour out.

I was also able to reflect on my relationship with my family, friends, the people I work with, students, other people and God. I discerned what God is inviting me to do.

I let out all the negative emotions and pains. I accepted that it's now time to let go of the things and the people who are gone.

I wasn't able to stop tears from falling. I haven't cried for a while. It felt really good afterwards.

In answer to my friend's question, Yes, the two days spent on retreat were worth much. When I came back, I was somehow a better and more positive person. I can now give and share more to my students.

I believe that in one way or another, we all need to have a retreat even for a while.

Note: I can't wait for my next retreat. But it sure won't be a required one. I'll have it my way!