Youngblood: A Sheep's Tale

I'm featuring my sister's essay which was published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last 03/07/2009.

Filed Under: Belief (Faith), Religion & Belief

I was born a Christian. My grandfather was a pioneering Methodist minister in the southern part of the Philippines. My father also served as vicar of a small community church for two years before he heeded a stronger calling and became a teacher.

As a kid, I enjoyed dressing up in my Sunday best, listening to Bible stories, and participating in children’s presentations on special occasions. But at the onset of my adolescent years, going to church suddenly became a burden, an unwanted responsibility rather than a joyful activity.

This was the stage of my life when I was fighting constantly with my mom, lying badly to my dad and acting indifferently to my younger siblings. Home wasn’t sweet for me.

Neither was school. I was barely passing the subjects I was taking. I was making more enemies than friends. I was among the least liked by my teachers. Most of the time, I was angry, drowning myself in self-pity and hating the world.

Then one late afternoon in school, I couldn’t get up from my seat. My legs had no strength. I had to be carried home.

The next day, I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease. My first thought was that I was being severely punished by God. I felt scared, vulnerable, lost. I felt dirty, ugly and sinful. I felt a strong need for answers, reassurance and restoration.

That was the turning point of my life. My mom guided me throughout the process. I was asking her questions about God. Was He quick to punish? Hard to please? Someone who keeps a list of my mistakes?

My mom reminded me of the stories I had heard when I was a child: about the birth and death of Jesus Christ, the Savior who came to pay for my sins with His own blood; the son of God who brought the promise of salvation to everyone who accepts Him as his personal Lord and Savior.

I was gripped with the desire to know more about this sacrifice. I started reading the Bible. I was enlightened, but daunted at the same time. Accepting Jesus in my life would mean I had to become like a salt of the earth — exemplifying His teachings and serving as a role model to others. How could a messed up 15-year-old do that?

On my own I couldn’t, my mom told me. But if I invited the spirit of God to live within me and if I put my complete trust in the Lord, I would not go astray.

I listened to my mother. I asked for the Holy Spirit and He was given to me.

My transformation surprised everyone who knew me during those dark times of my life. I became a youth leader in church. I finished at the top of my class. I made my family proud. By doing my best for God, He lifted me up. I didn’t always win, but losing didn’t feel bad. I trusted God.

Of course, there were still dark moments. In fact, I have just recently gotten out of a three-year “cooling off period” with my Savior. After such a fulfilling relationship with Him, I had allowed myself to wander and became unfaithful. I thought I could afford to break a few rules that He might not notice. And the few became many and my conscience started to bother me. I was miserable but I was guilty, and I allowed my guilt to widen the space between God and me. But the Lord was always holding on to me and I managed to swim back to His wide open arms.

I know the future will not be easy. There will always be times when I would lose my way. There will always be temptations that just wouldn’t go away. There will always be moments of doubt.

But I also know that I will always be led back to the right path, like a sheep found by my shepherd, my God.

Angeli Benette S. Pidut, 24, works as an auditor in Gibraltar.