My Art

I realized just now that it's really hard to forget the things which had been part of my life; even though I have temporarily (and for a long time) turned away from them.

As a kid, I thought I'd be an artist when I grow up (when is the grown-up stage exactly?). I amused my relatives with drawings on our grounds although I don't think my parents were amused with the carvings and drawings on walls, cabinets and tables.

I spent my elementary years joining, and lots of times, winning arts competitions. There were so many events that elementary schools celebrate - Linggo/Buwan ng Wika, Nutrition Month, United Nations Month, etc. And part of the celebrations were poster making competitions. My mother is a teacher in the same school where I studied so my siblings and I always had great support in our art. She'd conceptualize what we would draw, thus, much of our glory is attributed to her.

And because visual arts was such a great part of my life then, I applied for a scholarship at Philippine High School for the Arts. PHSA is a haven for the future great artists of the country. It is located in Mt. Makiling, Los Banos, Laguna. The school is unlike other secondary schools. Students have majors - Visual Arts, Creative Writing, Ballet, Music (singing or instrumental), Dance, Drama (or something like that). Every student has one major. Mine was Visual Arts. There were 40 plus of us in our batch and 12 majoring in Visual Arts.

I got accepted after several examinations, interviews and art sessions. So I guess, they saw potential in me. I learned later though that my acceptance to the school was heavily influenced by the good marks I got in the academic examinations and interviews; while my grades for the art outputs were average. Anyway, I went there to study and pursue what once was my dream - to be a great artist. I actually wanted to be one!!!! Funny it seems now. And so very far from what I have become and the path that I have taken.

So I studied at PHSA.... Where and when did things go wrong (or right) and why am I not working to become the great artist I wanted to be? Haha. I did not last long there. The first months were okay. I had friends from my elementary school who were also scholars there. We were having fun with fellow students in watching (for free) shows in the CCP, roaming in the mountains (which is against the rules), and of course, developing our art.

But I knew that while I can create artworks, I was far behind the real good ones in class. I soon developed insecurities but I was good in not showing them. While I was making tolerable and barely passing marks in my major, I was soaring high in the academics - never out of top 5 and master (among my classmates) in Math. At nights, before we do our plates (that is what we call our artwork), they would ask me to tutor them in Math. I never declined, more because I felt better to be good at something; for I have accepted my position when it comes to our major. But I'm not really the last in the list. Around top 8 in 12. Hehe. Still, for a higly competitive person that I was then, I never intended to settle for that. And, it was obvious, I did not have the talent to be the artist I dreamed to be.

At the end of the school year, I left the school supposedly just to take the summer vacation but I never came back. I did not even bother say final good bye to friends. I forgot about them and moved on with my life at Mindanao State University-High school Department in GenSan. Together with forgetting PHSA and the friends I have made, I also forgot my art....... I never again joined any arts competition. I never held a pen to draw. Never again were my clothes smudged with paint. I totally turned away from arts.

So what about it now? .... Well, I haven't thought about visual arts for a decade. And while going through blogs of other people, I saw this account of an artist where his works are posted. I appreciate his art and their meanings. I realized just now that I could also tell my stories through visual arts. And it came to me that I am now prepared to try again - not to become a great artist, but merely pursue an interest which I have not given justice. Maybe I can finally move on. . . .