No Regrets

The National Youth Commission identified days ago the 28 youth delegates from the different regions in the coutry who will represent the Philippines to the 35th Ship for Southeast Asia Youth Program (35th SSEAYP) which will be on October 21- December 25, 2008.

The participants will have a training this week at Tagaytay. The National Youth Commission was calling me yesterday morning. I was aware of the calls. But I could not dare press the 'Answer' button. I saw what was coming. I did not stop what I was doing; and after some 15 minutes and around 8 missed calls, the battery of my phone drained. I let it be. I could have charged the phone but I did not. I waited until I got home in the evening to do the charging.

Apparently, NYC continued its efforts to reach me but decided at 5pm to get a filler for me from the National Capital Region. I myself am supposed to be a filler. One of the female official delegates could not attend the training because she was hospitalized, I had been told through text. I was next in rank, so I was to fill in for her.

I could not join the program and I have my reasons; reasons which I do not have the courage to tell the NYC people. Because in the first place, I applied and showed interest to the program. But things have changed.

Joing the SSEAYP entails leaving NDMU, after working here for only a month and a half. I have to go to Manila for the training and stay there to process documents for travel. I could not drop everything now. I hold seven classes. There may be other faculty members who could fill in but I will cause so much complications, discomfort and burden. I do not have the heart to face the administrators who openly accepted me despite perhaps my lack of qualifications; and tell them now that I'm leaving because of greater opportunities.

By committing to SSEAYP, I will enter the world of uncertainty. I am not really afraid of the uncertain. I am a person who welcomes challenges and adventure. But this is different. There are more entities to consider. And I have found a place for myself already. I love what I do and I have committed myself to so many activities in the College of Business. If I leave, I cannot assume that they will take me back, after leaving them hanging in the air. . .

I do not want to let go of the weekends in GenSan; the sembreak and Christmas break, the only times that I see my brother and spend time with him; the trip to Davao this 26th to see former classmates and take entrance exams for Masteral; the dinners and outings with friends; and more.

Because I seem to have countless excuses, perhaps I don't deserve to be part of the program and the endless possibilities that it can give me - meeting people, going to different countries, engaging in activities. Maybe it is just right that I won't be there.

I don't regret letting the SSEAYP experience slip away but I do regret how badly I responded to the situation. I should have been more responsible. I should have faced them by accepting the call (although I still do not know how I could answer them). Where are my values?! Wasn't I taught that the best and only way to face anything dreadful is to be honest... And this I had not been.

There are lessons learned. I certainly won't be such a coward again. I've learned to check on my priorities and also consider other people. My decisions do not only affect me but also others.

From here, I can only move on. I am happy to be where I am now. I have all the things that make me happy at my hand. I may not be happy about my poor attitude toward NYC but I intend to be more responsible from now on.

I am not a person who lives with "What ifs." At the end of the day, what matters most is that I am the one who makes my choices and I am happy with them (minus not answering the phone).

I hope the NYC won't take this against me, should I hope to apply for other programs in the future. . .