No tragedy

Today, I attended my first mass here at koronadal city. I did not know what time exactly the mass would start. When I left my place, I wasn't decided whether to get in an internet cafe (get things done for the yearbook and check out my friendster), to buy my groceries or to go to church. The internet was more tempting.

I'm not yet familiar with the place, there was no one to ask for directions, it was so hot and I did not know what to say to the tricycle driver. No choice, I had to walk and find out things on my own. I walked and walked and walked and there was no open internet cafe. Is is like this here on Sundays?! And the next thing I knew, I was in front of the church. God does know how to guide. Deep inside, I know, I wanted to go to church.

And I was just in time. There were already so many people and the mass was about to start. I did not miss anything. I looked around, hoping to see familiar faces. Just like back home. But who was I kidding? I'm new here and seem to know no one. The first voice I heard was that of a child who was actually serving during mass. There wasn't just one, but there were many children taking part. Amazing.........

You ask me what the homily was about? I did not understand. It was delivered in Ilonggo. And you see, my knowledge of the dialect is so limited. But I grasped a line. The priest said, (in Ilonggo) Its a tragedy if you do not know what you want. Is it really? For I do not know what I want. Or more of, I know what I want but I make it an excuse to other people that I don't because they could not understand the reasons for my actions........ So this is not a tragedy.

I'm in a place I only considered being in just recently. I'm doing something that I never thought I'd even consider doing, well, until eight months ago. And here I am, in a not-so-far place from home but in a totally different world from where I was expected to be. And I am alone. But this is what I chose. And even at this time when I feel so sad and lonely, I would not choose to pack up and turn away...............

For a long time, the past 21 years, everything was simply given to me. I could say that I had been a brat, a spoiled one. I want something, I get it. If I do not want it, I'd dispose of it and turn away. A friend, Eric, always said then, What Barbie wants, Barbie gets. And in the biggest decision of my life yet, I got what I wanted. But I understand that it would have to be the last "bratty" decision I would make (and have made) because times have changed. I'm now in the world where I am not the boss; no more of getting something because I simply want it or giving it back because I do not want it anymore. I have to learn to be responsible for my actions and stand by my decisions.

Wherever I am now, whatever I do and though there were many great things I have forgone, I am where I belong and mine is no tragedy............